Today is 15 months since we lost Isaac. 456 days. It feels like a lifetime since I heard his voice. For me, the 21st has always been a harder day. It is a recognition of yet another month that has gone by. I don’t suppose I will always count in months, but for now I have. I was on the worship team at church this morning and we were singing a song that we sang at his funeral. In 15 months I haven’t had to be on stage and sing this particular song….”the sad song” as Gabe calls it. Whenever we (our family) hear it we remember…

I remember the task of trying to choose songs for his service. More than anything we wanted God’s name to be praised and this song, as a closing song of worship, seemed fitting. Most often when I am just a participant in church I can allow myself to feel the emotion that this song draws out of me, mostly tears even now. But today I knew that I needed to help lead and it is always my prayer that I can do that well. I messaged my best friends on the way to church and asked if they would please pray for me. I was grateful to not be the lead on the song, if I had to fake it I could…but I wanted prayers to make it through the service.

I felt such a peace this morning, prayers heard and answered for sure. God has been so good to me. I have been in a season that has been hard to talk about. Not one where I am questioning my faith completely, but maybe one where I am just trying to work out (with fear and trembling) what it is I do understand about who God is. I have a lot of questions and feel like the best place to find those answers is His Word. So in January I started a Bible reading plan that is taking me from Genesis to Revelation. If I want to know who God is…where better to find out than His Word?

Right now I am in the throws of the Old Testament. It gets wordy and full of laws and people that continue to disregard God and I don’t always understand what I am reading but I am sticking with it. 80 days in. I don’t know that at day 365 that I will find myself with all my questions answered…but I am certain that I will know God better. So this exercise is worth it. God’s chosen people made a lot of mistakes, they disobeyed and complained, they didn’t trust God like they should. I am no different really. My hope though, in recognizing that truth, is that I also continue to have a heart of constant praise for who God is. My wonderful, beautiful, powerful Savior.

456 days later and my heart hurts in a way I can’t fully explain and for those that don’t understand the pain….just be grateful. But I will stand on a stage at church and sing “What a Beautiful Name” because I believe it to be true. Not because of my circumstances, but because He is worthy.