In some ways it feels like a lifetime. In other ways just like yesterday.

On the Friday before we found out I had my hover board accident. I had texted Isaac and told him because I knew he would get a laugh out of it. His response was to ask if I had at least caught it on video lol….typical Isaac. I replied with a silly meme and that was it.

Of course those thoughts run through your mind….if I had only known I would have said more. I would have called, anything. But we didn’t know.

2 weeks ago Karlena and I were planning to attend a local production of the Nutcracker ballet, where we sat blissfully unaware of the news that would come just hours later.

I texted my sister a few nights ago that it still seems so unreal. I mean I KNOW he is gone, but it is like my mind can’t grasp what that means for my forever here on earth.

Last night his urn and ashes were brought home. Again another part of this process we knew was coming but when it happened brought on another layer of grief, opening the wound again. This isn’t how it is supposed to be.

Of course as parents, we were fully unprepared to make these decisions for one of our children. Because it was so sudden and unexpected we didn’t have a chance to discuss options. We knew Isaac wanted to be cremated but beyond that we hadn’t thought through what would happen after that.

Karlena had come to us last week and asked where he was going to be buried. She wants a physical place to be able to go to….to “visit” him on his birthday, things like that. We have had a few other people express a similar desire, to be able to pay their respects where he is buried.

So we are deciding on that soon. We know with the winter, it may be springtime before we have all the details figured out and our kids are ok with that. But it is another part to this process. Something we never wanted to decide but now must.

Last night I was laying awake waiting for sleep and just praying. It is what I do as I wait for sleep to come. I remember thanking God for the messages I have gotten, people that have been impacted or who have been able to have conversations with their loved ones as a result.

All of these things bring me such hope and encouragement, but I will be honest it comes with a bit of bitterness too….”why at the expense of my son Lord?” I have asked that. I hate to admit it, but I have.

And last night the last thought I remember before I fell asleep was something like this…”what is more important – your son…or Me?”

I am reminded again that this walk is a surrender. I had surrendered Isaac to God before, and daily now, even in the heartache, I surrender the little that I have. Humbly asking for His strength, His grace and His peace to carry me in the days and weeks ahead.