Maybe it is because it is Saturday or maybe it is because it is 6 weeks…..maybe it is because I had to walk through a milestone and pretend that I didn’t feel absolutely empty inside, or maybe it is the stupid argument I had about a computer monitor, that was probably not about the monitor at all but more about all the things I can’t control…

Maybe it is one of those things or all of those things but it is hard today. And I am angry. Furious might be a better description.

Suicide leaves you with so many unanswered questions. And while we have walked the last 42 days grasping for God’s goodness….the reality of suicide is never far from our minds.

I suppose with any sudden death it is the same but I find myself almost desperate for something, anything that might make sense of all of this.

I had really hoped we might be able to recover his old text messages and photos from his phone, but because of a ridiculous swipe pattern that no one knows, we are at a stand still. We risk any backup being deleted and any chance of recovery wiped away.

While the people at the cell phone store have been more than helpful *and I am so grateful for that….they aren’t able to “break into” a phone without doing a factory reset. They tried everything for us, they really did and in the end, that too seemed a lost cause.

And it isn’t fair. I mean none if this is, we know that. But this is just another kick in the teeth.

And last night another call, another “problem.” A promise made by an insurance company in regards to his apartment and now apparently they are going back on their word. It isn’t fair, and it isn’t right.

6 weeks later the wound, still fresh, ripped wide again.

I am in a couple of online support groups for parent’s after suicide loss. New people are joining every day. So many new parents EVERY DAY. This isn’t a fun FB group that people want to be a part of. These are broken men and women who are trying to figure out what to do now.

Men and women who have unanswered questions, who have phones that can’t be unlocked, and some of these men and women don’t have any hope in God.

I was reading a book this morning about lament and the author was talking about the reality that all of the brokenness we experience, ultimately is a result of sin. We live in a fallen world.

This world and all of its hurts is not our home. These continued blows, these realities that are always present with us now make me long even more for the promises of heaven. But until that day comes, I place my fragile, angry, broken self at the feet of his altar. God be near. Make your presence known. For every parent that is sitting with unanswered questions, or anger and hurt today, please provide them some measure of comfort….even if only for a moment. We need you Lord more than ever today. We need you.