Journal entry April 23, 2019…

Psalm 47:1 Clap your hands, all peoples! Shout to God with loud shouts of joy!

Lord I read back a year ago on my journal entries and can’t believe the hurt we were walking through. Thank you for sustaining us Lord. I know that we are not promised tomorrow and I know that we are promised to have trouble so I anticipate that in the coming days/months/years we will continue to walk through trials that test us in unimaginable ways.

Lord sustain us with your mercy and grace, fill us with peace and wisdom. Give us hope when it is difficult and help us use our stories to help and serve others.

Lord use me to be an instrument of your glory. Give me a voice so that I can speak of all the ways you have redeemed us.

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Never would I have imagined that words I wrote as a prayer in early 2019 would be the very cry of my heart just 9 months later.

I am wrestling this morning with this thought from the book I am listening to “The role is not the reward, the Lord is the reward.”

In the book the author is talking about John the Baptist and how he is kind of the “it” guy until Jesus comes on the scene. But John recognizes that he doesn’t compare to Christ….and it isn’t about him and his message but about God.

So my prayer has been that God would do something with this right? Bring people to Him through our story, do something big so it isn’t in vain….but what if it was just to draw me to Him.

Will that be enough for me? I may never have an influence of drawing people to a closer relationship with God….but if I am in greater communion with Him – “the reward is the Lord”, will that satisfy my heart’s longing?

I want my answer to immediately be yes….but there is a piece of my human heart that desires more. So this morning on the first day of the new year I am being honest about my doubts and turning that too over to God. It is all I can do.