Journal entry from this morning…
Thinking about things I am grateful for is the only way that I can sleep at night. It takes me a long time to find rest and counting those things, praying to God and thanking Him helps to occupy my mind from other thoughts.
In the midst of this terrible tragedy there are so many things to be grateful for. SO many prayers being lifted up on our behalf. The words of encouragement left on Facebook. All of the cards and handwritten notes, I have read every one and will read them over and over again. The thoughtful gifts and memory items that honor my son. Gifts are my love language but this is one time that I would give anything to just have my son back and never warrant another gift again. Still I am ever grateful for such love that has been poured out on us.
The meals and groceries that people have brought. Helping to nourish our family when I am not in the mindset to even think about cooking. So many offers to help in countless ways. I am amazed at how the Body of Christ operates in times such as these.
It has been 20 days. It feels like a lifetime. My grandma is in her 90’s. It is likely based on my family genetics that I could live a long time. If I live as long as my grandma, 45 years or more, that would be at least 16,425 days.
I won’t pretend to know the number of days I have left, only God knows that. But realizing the energy it has taken to walk these last 20 days…
Oh Lord, if I am to do well in each of my remaining days ahead then I am going to need your help. Help me to see the beauty in the small things. Help me to recognize all the ways You are working. Help me to walk in honor of You. I can’t fathom what living 16,000+ days without my son looks like so for this moment give me peace, until the next moment, until the next. Sustain me Lord.