The other day I told Dominic that I want to repaint our bedroom. He responded “didn’t you just do that recently?” And he is right. It wasn’t that long ago that I changed things up a bit…

I think this is a part of me grasping at something, anything that I can control. I can’t control what has happened and the what happens next, the moving forward seems scary and uncertain so changing the colors on my bedroom walls makes sense to me.

And I want it to be something crazy and bold like a mix between deep emerald green and dark sapphire blue. I don’t even know what color that is exactly but I want it. I want light or white curtains that hang from the top of my ceiling to make the wall look longer and a fresh white comforter to contrast the dark walls.

We have this bedroom set that is 20 yrs old, it is real wood and beautiful…but getting dated and a lighter oak color than I would prefer. But next to a deep, rich wall….the colors in our dresser and bed would look lovely I think. (Don’t suggest we paint it…Dominic says I am only allowed to paint real wood after he is gone…that is a big no in our home. ha!)

We have a small bedroom and I know that putting dark colors on the wall will make it appear smaller but right now I don’t care. So in these moments when I can’t control anything else around me, I dream of painting my room. Understanding that it is only paint and could always be changed again….not like our reality now. So permanent.

I started reading a new book on what Christian lament looks like. This reality that even in the Psalms we see cries out to God, asking why something has happened and but then there is always a recognizing of who God is and all He has done.

We are in that place, lamenting the why. Why God allowed this to be filtered through His hand. Why it had to happen at all and yet even when those questions are not being answered, praying that God would show us what to do now. Remembering all He has done for us in the past and hoping that He will be faithful again.

So I am grasping, grasping for control and understanding, praying for peace and finding a bit of strange comfort in the thoughts of deep colors of paint and crisp new sheets