I woke up early today, unable to sleep and checked my emails. One email confirmed an automatic payroll transfer that I had scheduled for our business. I remembered it was Friday.
Dominic and I had these plans booked to take a little trip just the 2 of us to Sedona AZ for 6 days. The kids were going to stay with their grandparents and we were going to board a plane at 9am on Friday the 27th.
Today on Friday the 27th at 9am instead, our family will be having a private viewing of our son. We covet your prayers specifically during this time. Our kids know what we will be doing but honestly, with each new “step” in this process we have been hit afresh with emotions. I suspect today will be no different. I think I said it before, I am both desperate and terrified to see him.
I have had this pain and heaviness in my chest since Tuesday. On Wednesday a cough developed and each time I coughed it hurt even worse. Sometimes taking a deep breath is painful and difficult. We tried several things over the course of a few days to see if we could alleviate the symptoms and determine what was going on but nothing helped. So yesterday we decided I should be checked out at the local acute care.
I have to apologize to the other people who had been waiting longer than me, apparently when a 40+ yr old woman comes in with any time of chest pain it is taken pretty seriously. People were outspoken and angry that I was seen right away. Part of me wanted to scream “if you only knew what I have been through…”
I have had pneumonia before and it felt like this, I thought that might be what is going on. But after a chest x-ray and an EKG and some blood work the Dr told me the pain was likely from anxiety and stress. Death has left me with a physical pain that has not gone away. I have had a panic attack before, felt anxious and overwhelmed but it never lasted 3+ days, it never felt like this…
I feel almost embarrassed to admit that but I realize that the discussion around mental health starts with me too. Maybe Isaac had days, weeks like this. Living with a physical weight, a pain in his chest that wouldn’t go away. I keep rubbing my upper chest trying to help it somehow, but it doesn’t stop.
The weather looks like it is really going to cause some travel problems and could affect people’s ability to come to the funeral. As a mama I just want to say that I understand the desire to come, but travelling in unsafe conditions isn’t worth it.
I just need you to hear me on this. It is OK if you can’t be here because it isn’t safe, or could become unsafe for you to get home. I UNDERSTAND. We have felt your love and prayers and support. We absolutely want your physical presence here but we also understand that this too is outside of our control.
I stood in the shower yesterday and cried and told God I felt like I had already surrendered so much, but I would surrender this too. This service, how many people could be there, if we would have too much food etc. I surrender all Lord. I just can’t control this either. And while I just want so badly for people to hear the message of HOPE that we have planned, I trust that even if no one can make it, God can still get the glory.
I believe that they will be taking a video of the service, it won’t be a livestream….but at some point I should have access to it and can share it for those that are unable to attend.
I have prayed and prayed that the storm would track another way, shift more West so we don’t get all the issues they are talking about here….but it just doesn’t look like that is going to happen. Use your best judgement and know we understand.
Finally, I know I have said it before but I would be remiss if I didn’t keep saying it…the support you all have shown us is incredible. You are being the hands and feet of Jesus in action. Bringing us food, words of encouragement, clothing for our kids, cleaning our house, cards and gifts of comfort and prayers….so many prayers offered up on our behalf.
You have been our Aaron and our Hur. Holding us up every moment. This is the body of Christ and I am so grateful to be a part of it. Thank you for loving us so well.