We went to church this morning. I thought I was going to be ok but once I got there I couldn’t stop the tears. The first song we sang was “Raise a Hallelujah.”
The best I could do was hold out my hands, close my eyes and let the tears come. “I’m gonna sing in the middle of the storm…louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar. Up from the ashes hope will arise, death is defeated, the King is alive.”
I believe this but it hurts. Today the physical pain is more present than it was yesterday. I feel the weight of the grief and I can’t seem to get out from under it. I suppose this is how it will go. “Good” days with few tears and then days that it all seems so fresh.
It was an unusually warm day for January so Dominic and Gabe went out after church to take down our Christmas lights and garland around our porch. I decided to tackle the front Christmas tree.
The younger kids were helping, and admittedly weren’t super excited about it at the time….I snapped and said that I just didn’t want arguing or questions. Even taking down the tree hurt. I am an ornament person. Every year I have purchased a special ornament for the kids. The hope was that some day they would take their ornaments and use them with their own families….
I won’t have that with Isaac. There won’t be an engagement or a wedding to plan, no grandchildren to look forward to. All those things a parent hopes for their child….that ended on December 21 for Isaac.
Taking down that tree today, was just another reminder of all
that we lost.
Exposing the reality of our grief is a bit scary, but it also has felt necessary.
I have long been too worried about what people thought of me, how I looked, did I say the right thing or “perform” well? I wasn’t comfortable being fully me I guess. Something in me has shifted. I need to process this way for me and if it can benefit someone that is fantastic….and if it makes others uncomfortable – that’s ok too.
I started a book called “Holding on to Hope” in it the author Nancy Guthrie says this:
“I realized I had a choice – I could try and stuff the hurt away in a closet, pretend it wasn’t there and wish it would disappear, or I could bring it out into the open, expose it to the Light, probe it, accept it, and allow it to heal. I chose to face it head-on, trudge through it, feel its full weight, and do my best to confront my feelings of loss and hopelessness wit the truth of God’s Word at every turn…..”
I couldn’t say it better. That is what I am trying to do. If you are here with me….thanks for coming along, for allowing me to walk this path this way and for encouraging me as I go.