My friend Rachel took a few pictures at the funeral yesterday….and I am so glad she did. Now I wish there were more honestly, I have been writing so much as a way to process but also because I don’t want to forget.

She snapped this shot of me during one of the songs. It so deeply reflects exactly how I feel. Overwhelmed by sadness but hands open praising the only One who can make any good of this.

People keep saying how strong I am. I am not strong at all. I equally feel like I need to put on a brave face for my remaining kids and want to crawl into my bed and stay there forever alone. I have to fight to find some middle ground.

If you see strength in me at all it is an over pouring of Christ. It is not me but He who lives in me. I am not capable of this on my own.

On the night we heard the news I sent a desperate vox text to my two best friends Gindi and Cathryn. It said Isaac was gone, don’t call, we are on the phone with the detective but please pray. Once we spoke with the detective I called my mom and then I guess at around 11:30 pm I called Gindi.

I don’t remember making that call. She recounted to me that my request was for prayers that this would not destroy our family and my marriage. And then I kept repeating I just need to see Jesus in all this, I just need to see Jesus in all this…

She prayed specifically for those things and I feel like in the last 8 days God has been faithful in that. Today is the first day we don’t have something specifically to do. There are more details that will need to be finalized with his things, but today we can’t really “do” anything.

I think I survived the last 8 days having a purpose in planning his service. Today I must sit with the reality of our new normal and it is uncomfortable.

After our hard, scary years with Isaac I told my friends that I spent this last year with my hands open. So grateful for every moment I didn’t expect, but recognizing that I didn’t have control over any of it. Isaac was always God’s child first. It was easier to say that than actually walk it out….So today, in the hard uncomfortable reality, I sit in my brokenness. Hands open. It is really all I can do.

I just need to see Jesus, I just need to see Jesus…..