It is gray and dreary here today and I feel it in my heart too. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you son. I wish you could have known, really known the joy you brought to us. I guess I wish even the knowing of that could have made a difference somehow…

You were always such an incredible kid. You said you weren’t sure about having kids of your own but we always knew you would have made a great dad. You were such a kind and caring brother. Always excited to help, always willing to learn something new. I was talking to Gabe the other day about how often you helped me change diapers…even that job, you didn’t shy away from helping with a happy heart. Gabe said he didn’t think he had ever changed a diaper…he is probably right. You had a servants heart. I think you would have done anything for any of your friends.

Some days it still seems impossible that you are gone, forever. We have all accepted the reality of it I guess, we just don’t like it. It will never be ok. Your arrival in this world made me a mother and I am now profoundly changed by your absence. Still a mother of course, but one that walks wounded.

There have been so many times in the last 79 days that I wanted to text you something. To share something I had seen or heard that I knew you would appreciate, a new show dad and I are watching we knew you would like. A funny meme that made me think of you.

We won’t ever forget you. We are trying to walk forward, some days limp forward, and be a servant to others…be a light to others. You son brought us joy so in your honor and because God compels us to, we press on to use this loss for some good. But Karlena said it best the other day…”I just wish I could have one more day with Isaac.”

I don’t know that one more day would make it hurt any less really…maybe we could say all the things we wished we had said. Maybe we think in some way we could change things if we just had one more day. But since we don’t…we pray for the strength to walk without you. You are deeply and forever loved son.

Psalm 34:18 The Message (MSG)

18 If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;

if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.