Yesterday a woman stopped in the office to see us. She was from another company that we had worked with in the past and knew about what happened with Isaac.

She wanted to personally stop and tell us how much she appreciated how open we were with what happened. Apparently in her extended family there had been suicide, and in some cases, family just never spoke of that individual again. It is so sad isn’t it?

Dominic shared with her, and even said it in his eulogy, that in those initial moments after we found out he wanted to hold it all in and keep it secret. Right away I told him we needed to call our pastor, initially he wondered why we would tell anyone. He said he selfishly worried what everyone would think if they knew the truth.

I think in those moments, those feelings are normal.

We worry about what we look like, what we wear, if the pictures we are posting on FB or Instagram are “perfect” enough….admitting that your child has taken their own life invites a level of judgement that is unmatched.

I remember we were sitting at the dining room table in the middle of the night, we were shocked and numb and angry and sick. I remember telling Dominic that I don’t believe Isaac was being selfish, I believe he was hopeless.

Somewhere in the last few years I heard that dialogue. A person dealing with depression and anxiety in that way sees suicide as the only way out of their pain. They see themselves as a burden to their family and friends. The reality is none of that is true…but they can’t see past their hopelessness.

Seeing Isaac from this perspective gave me such compassion for him. We know only a little of what he struggled with, but I believe there was a hopelessness that followed him like a heavy blanket. Despite how well his job was going or that he had the truck he always dreamed of, or had great friends….the heaviness remained.

We have been so blessed. If there has been judgement of us as parents, or of Isaac…you haven’t spoken it to us directly. I thank you for that. In fact you have done just the opposite. This community has shown up over and over again and reminded us of how much we are loved, how much Isaac was loved. We can’t thank you enough for walking with us in this way.

Dominic said yesterday that before this happened he saw life marked by many moments, marriage, kids being born, moving, starting the business etc. But now it is as though our life is now marked as life before Isaac died and life after Isaac died. It has just been so traumatic, it has absolutely changed us.

We are in this unknown space of figuring out what life after Isaac’s death looks like. A few weeks ago Gindi reached out to me with an idea, an invitation really. Knowing that holidays will be hard, especially this year, she put out an invitation for our family to come join them at the farm in Texas over Easter.

Dominic and I were supposed to go to AZ right after Christmas and that trip was cancelled. I had purchased flight insurance and last week they sent me our full refund. I looked online and was able to get 5 tickets to Houston for almost as much as our 2 tickets to AZ would have been.

So over Easter break our family is going to Houston, and then out to their family farm. And it is something to look forward to, and something different. Last year we had family, including Isaac at our house for Easter….this year I couldn’t bear the thought of being at home.

Life after Isaac, we don’t like it but we don’t have a choice. So we are trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. We remain grateful for your grace as we limp along and continue to covet your prayers.