Last night we watched the movie Flubber together as a family. We needed something light and funny to occupy our minds. Of course even that is a stark reminder of our reality….the lead actor in the movie being Robin Williams, who himself struggled as Isaac did, and took his own life a few years ago.

My body and my eyes especially were so heavy and halfway through the movie I stopped fighting sleep. I woke with the final credits and realized that most of us had missed the ending. It seems easy these days to fall asleep when there is something going on in the background.

We all brushed our teeth and went off to bed and in the dark of my room, with only the whir of the fan in the background, my mind started spinning again. When I had gone to the doctor last week he had prescribed me a light sleeping aid, which I have resigned myself to taking….but even that wasn’t working.

All I want is my son back.

I saw the bathroom light click on and called out to see who was downstairs but there was no answer. A quick check revealed our girl, standing alone wiping silent crocodile tears from her eyes. “I can’t sleep mom” she said. “I just wish Isaac wasn’t dead.”

Oh sweet daughter, so much like me….

We grabbed some Kleenex and went out to the couch and huddled under cozy blankets. She told me that she wanted to make something special for Isaac’s birthday and was sad she couldn’t get it to him. I told her that sometimes people write messages to their loved ones on balloons and then release them up to heaven. Maybe we could do that?

“In the spring” she said, “in the spring” I agreed.

I rubbed her head just like I used to rub Isaac’s when he was a little baby and fought sleep. We each chose an end of the couch and settled in. As I lay there waiting for sleep to come I prayed for my kids. Prayed that God would heal their broken hearts. Prayed that they would be able to sleep well and not be scared.

I haven’t dreamed about him yet and I wonder why.

I feel like I am desperately trying to recall memories, voices, conversations and I can’t think of anything. Maybe I am still in shock. I am praying they start to come. I am so afraid I am going to forget.

Maybe I shouldn’t say that out loud but it is the truth. People ask about a favorite story or memory of Isaac and I can’t think of something specific. It is like I can’t remember. I feel like the worst mother in the world. Please Lord, help me remember…..

I am sure there are 1000 books on grief, how to walk through it, what is typical etc. I don’t know that any of those would be helpful now. I think they might just make me angry. Instead I am just going to keep walking through each day and write down MY experience. Process the way I am and trust that what I am going through is ok for me. Continuing to ask God to be near because I can’t do this alone.