Isaac’s kindergarten graduation

My sweet brown eyed boy.

This picture came up in my memories on FB today. 5 years ago we were a month away from his high school graduation. I was reminiscing about his kindergarten graduation.

These days stuck at home trying to help educate our kids is new and hard and nothing like we expected. I am right there in the trenches with you.

And as quickly as I might find myself wanting to complain about how things are, I also recognize how much I wish I could have this chance to be “stuck” at home with my brown eyed boy.

Oh to do things differently, would it have changed things? Those questions threaten to haunt me…I can’t change the past. I won’t ever have those what if questions answered. That is so so hard.

If I can be real for a moment, I have been angry with God lately. I realized it this past week… what it was. This distance I was feeling. You see God felt overwhelmingly present in the beginning. We felt so carried by His love and grace.

But lately He hasn’t felt near. And I realized it was because I had put up a wall. I was feeling hurt and angry and honestly betrayed. I believe God could have stopped Isaac, or changed it somehow. I believe in His power to do so. But He didn’t.

I also believe God gives us free will. And I know there is sin in our world and that messes up everything. I won’t ever understand the whys. But even Jesus, in the midst of His most painful suffering, felt forsaken by His Father.

He understands our suffering in a way I hadn’t considered before. It doesn’t make the suffering any less real, but it helps knowing that God IS there redeeming it all. Even when I am angry and have pulled away from Him. He remains.

This process won’t always look pretty or wrapped up all neatly in a nice package. Trauma rarely does work itself out that way. But I feel more hopeful than I have in the last few weeks. And I can see how I desperately need to lean into God for each moment. I think He can handle my anger and my questions and my grief…especially when I am going TO Him with it, instead of away from Him.

Man I miss my brown eyed boy something fierce. And I always will. God continue to cover us with Your peace.