Today was the first day that we didn’t have anything to “do.” The visitation and the funeral and done, thankfully the storms that have been swirling all around us stayed at bay and everyone was able to get home safely either last night or this morning.

It is Sunday and while we would normally go to church, we had decided that we probably had a pass and could skip, it was cancelled because of the weather. I couldn’t seem to pick myself up from the couch. I can feel it, the heaviness settling in. The understanding that this, life without my beloved firstborn is my new reality, and I want to get out from under that reality but I can’t.

There are moments that I have energy to do something. I will fold a load of laundry or put something away and then I find myself sitting again. Facebook has been a welcome or maybe better said a bad distraction. I have scrolled through my feed over and over again. I am not sure what I am searching for, most of the time I am not looking at anything…..just mindless scrolling. Anything to occupy my mind. Anything to stop the reality from rushing back in.

He is gone.

In a few short days my kids will have to go back to school. I guess that means that I will have to try and be in a normal routine as well. Part of me is terrified at being anything “normal” because maybe it will mean that I am moving on. And how can we possibly move on from this?

I know we will never be the same. I know that we will have a “new normal” but I am afraid at what that looks like. I don’t want a new normal. I just want my old life back. I just want my son.

This afternoon an old neighbor friend who moved to England last year came down to visit our kids. I had been lying in bed but could hear them outside laughing and playing. This is what it is supposed to sound like. I got up a time later and saw that it was snowing. It was one of those beautiful snows, light and fluffy and covering all the dirty with a blanket of white.

Laughter and beauty, it is present even in the midst of deep sorrow and loss.

I willed myself out of bed and made a sandwich. I have had no appetite but I know that not eating is not going to do me any good. Even the smallest bit of nourishment helps wake me up and bring clarity back to me. I need to remember this every day.

Karlena came and sat down beside me and said that she didn’t know what to do. Her friend was over and they had been playing, but she sat beside me and said she was sad and this was hard.

No truer words have been spoken.

We are sad and this is hard.

We love God, we want to make an impact for His kingdom…but man if there had been any other way….