My journal entry from January 9, 2018 is hard to read today. In so many ways I wish I was re-writing that prayer instead of the one I did write.

But before I share my entry I want to say this, because I am sure that there are people reading that might be asking “Where is God in all of this? Or Why did He allow this to happen?”

I think those are pretty normal questions to ask in a tragedy. I know in 2008 when we had a miscarriage my immediate response was one of anger at God. I knew He could have stopped it but didn’t and I was mad. I lived in utter darkness for months, holding onto that bitterness, unwilling to see goodness. It was a scary, awful place.

But again I go back to the story of Job. In his wisdom he understood “Shall we accept good from God, and shall we not accept trouble?” Job 2:10

In 2018 I battled on my knees for Isaac. My faith in God grew in enormous ways. Isaac was never more distant and yet God was never closer. In 2019 we saw God restore that relationship that we had with Isaac. God redeemed so many things and brought us back our son.

In 2018 God taught me how to trust Him, how to open my hands and give back to Him the son that was His first to begin with. In 2019 God healed broken places and brought joy back into our relationship…in spite of Isaac’s continued internal battles, God prevailed. In 2020 God’s name will be praised, for all He has done and will continue to do through this story.

If you are walking through your own trial – purpose yourself to see God. He is there, I promise you. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you and use your struggle for something good.

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January 9, 2018

“Lord, first of all I am grateful that Isaac is safe today and alive. I need to remember that in the days to come. We aren’t planning a funeral so maybe we are letting go of an apartment or losing money on college but we still have our son so I am grateful for that. Help me as a parent to navigate through this well. Be with Dominic as well. We want to parent well and love and support him, yet hold him accountable for his choices. Help us do that Lord – lead us Lord and let this situation not divide us as a couple. Lord cast your vision on Isaac. I know you placed him in that specific apartment for a reason. I also know he is going to feel like running away. Give him Your courage and Your strength to make the hard choices to stay if it is Your will. Today may be that turning point day, so lead him Lord. I pray he gets the help he needs. I pray that you would be more present and more felt than ever before and in the coming days he would know that he is not alone. Guide him Lord – guide us.”