2 years ago things were really really hard for Isaac. We spent that next year+ warring on our knees on his behalf. I remember praying daily, hourly for God to rescue him. There were nights we didn’t sleep because I wasn’t sure he would make it through. The depths of his depression and anxiety became clear to us and we were desperate to save him.

We will never say we were “ready” for news like this. No parent could ever prepare themselves for something like this but it may not have been such a shock I guess if it had happened then.

This past year he has thrived it seems. He had a job he really loved, he was talking about taking classes again, he had an apartment with roommates he liked, a truck and a motorcycle he always wanted. was looking at houses. So many people felt like for the first time in several years he was planning for a future.

So why now? It is a question we will never have the answer to. That is the hardest part about this and the most difficult part of mental illness. It doesn’t make sense, and as much as we thought we understood how he was doing….he was battling an internal war that we didn’t see.

In many ways we all do this to some degree….we wear masks. We put on the mask that we believe the outside world wants to see. Sure there may be parts of our true personality shining through, but we believe the lie that if we share our WHOLE self, even the ugly parts, the scary parts, that we won’t be loved and accepted.

We believe that what people want is the “I’m fine, I’ve got it all together” answers. Because that is what our society is comfortable with. In the darkness and when we are alone we sit with the person behind the mask. The person that is hurting, doesn’t feel good enough, is full of fear but doesn’t want to look weak. As though being afraid makes us look weak. So we suffer in silence.

There are little things I am learning about my son’s character that are so much like my own, his servant’s heart and goofy note writing, his want to encourage others….it brings me great joy to know that part of me was in him.

But I have long struggled with fear and doubt. Worried what the world thinks of me, how I look, what I say, did I do enough…and maybe he carried some of those struggles too.

It is time to take off the masks. It is ok to not be ok. We do not have to be “enough” we have a God that IS enough. If you are struggling you do not need to be ashamed. Please please reach out to a trusted friend. Message me…this tragedy doesn’t have to be for nothing. You are loved, scars and all. God sent His Son to save the broken….that is me, that was Isaac…that is each of us.