I drove by the funeral home today and there is a beautiful, blooming (maybe crabapple) tree in the front yard. The funeral home is at the end of a street that I drive on every day. For months after Isaac died my breath would catch in my throat when I would see that place. One day I saw family members going inside…just like we had and it brought on a fresh wave of grief. I almost hated that I had to drive by there every day.
Today when I saw that tree I realized that I don’t remember seeing the tree in its beauty last spring. Granted we spent a lot of time inside last year (thank you covid lockdown) but if we drove anywhere, we would have driven by the funeral home. I don’t ever remember seeing that tree blooming.
I love nature and spring and new life. I have been taking way too many photos of the bird’s nest in our planter on our porch this week. I realized today that a year ago I was in a deep fog at this time. I really don’t have much memory of my life then except for things I posted here. I was alive but I didn’t feel awake.
I have spent the last 2 days in tears more than I have in weeks. I can’t explain why, maybe it is Mother’s Day having passed but I feel SO sad. So sad. But the fog has lifted and in the middle of the sadness I realize that I can also be blown away by the beauty of God’s creation. I am grateful that I can see it again, even though my heart still hurts so much.
If you are walking through grief, or walking with someone in the early days…the disbelief and fog, the memory loss it is all a real thing. These friends may be with you, but they are likely not fully present. But it gets better. In some ways the fog is a shelter from the enormity of the pain early on. But beauty comes back and when it does it will take your breath away in a good way. For those walking that path…waiting for the beauty, I am covering you in prayer. It is a hard, hard road. I know, but God is there in all of it.