10 weeks and it still seems like a bad dream. I wonder at what point I will stop marking my days by how much time has passed since Isaac died.

People ask how we are doing and it is a hard question to answer. “Fine” seems to be the response that comes out most often. But what do you say really?

Our son is gone and that won’t ever be “fine.” But we have 3 other children we need to care and provide for, a business and clients to serve. Laundry to do, floors to wash, toilets to scrub, waffles to make….and this just in a Saturday morning.

A day that will forever be marked as hard day for me now. Each new Saturday is just another week gone by. There is nothing fine about that.

We have to be intentional about seeing the good, being grateful. So we write down a memory for our 2020 jar even if it feel trivial and trite. Sometimes is all we know to do.

God has been so good to us. Still so good. A woman I have never met, but is familiar with the pain of losing a daughter herself sent me a card this week. She sent one after Isaac died, but marked specifically the anniversary of his dedication to God, February 23rd, from his obituary and honored him, and us by remembering. I hadn’t even recognized the significance of the day and yet she blessed me.

Another friend from FB offered to send me a book on grief she felt prompted to give me. A yard of peanut M&Ms shipped with love from a bff in Texas…so many ways like this and more that God has used His people to show us we are loved.

I am grateful, and continue to be humbled by the prayers and encouragement. I don’t take any of it for granted and yet I will continue to struggle with the wish that none of it was ever necessary and it was all a bad dream.

So today, another Saturday, I still in the delicate balance between grief and gratitude. I miss my son and I am not fine but the sun is shining and I have so much to thank God for.

2 Corinthians 4:16-17 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”