Last weekend was incredibly difficult for me. I caused hurt by some of my actions towards Dominic, I isolated and cancelled all the plans I had for the weekend and spent several days in a pretty dark place.
I think it is understandable in some ways, just because of all we have been through, but it wasn’t a healthy place for me and I knew it. I wrote this in my journal on February 1st…
“Lord I am going to need you more than ever today because I can’t seem to pull it together myself. I am writing down scripture just to try and feel close to you, to try and feel something. But all I feel is how unfair all of this is….please make sense of this all, I just feel so lost right now.”
And then on February 4 this prayer… “Lord I pray for a small measure of joy today. Joy and peace. Weeks of sadness and disbelief have filled our home, anger over the unknown and the unanswered questions. I don’t know how it will change or when it will change but if just for today…bring joy Lord. Help us see goodness in the land of sorrow.”
God has been so faithful to us in these last 7 weeks, but I really feel like He answered my specific prayer requests this week.
I messaged some of my friends today and said that this week had been good. Not good in the way I used to classify it, but under the circumstances, it wasn’t a terrible week.
I had conversations with the women of the Never So Broken leadership team that stirred a fire in my spirit. We discussed an idea that I am so excited about and believe with everything in me will bring God glory, that I can’t wait to see what happens. I needed that this week.
I was able to get some work done at the office and stay on task in some small ways. Focus has been difficult for me and I feel like in so many ways my brain isn’t working like it used to…but I felt like I was able to accomplish a few necessary tasks and I needed that this week.
I had a soul-conversation with a good friend who brought us a meal, someone who has walked through their own struggles with a child. There is a bonding that takes place between two people that have walked a similar path and share stories and I needed that this week.
And I got to help decorate at the church tonight with some of my favorite people. Another long-time member of our church passed away and the service is tomorrow. I wasn’t sure emotionally that I could handle a visitation or funeral so soon, but I wanted to help in some way. Being able to serve in this capacity, laughing with women that care so much for our family….I needed that this week.
I felt so raw and vulnerable going into this week. The weight of the weekend remained upon me on Monday, but God was so good to me this week and provided multiple opportunities for grace, forgiveness, anticipation and laughter.
I am learning that each new day, each week reveals new feelings. Some days I find myself in utter despair and then other days I can go almost an entire day without tears. I suppose that is God’s way of sheltering us in a tragedy, we couldn’t bear the weight of the stress all at once. So from time to time we get a reprieve.
I am grateful for the reprieve this week has been. I know more difficult days are ahead but for today I am documenting this….so when the hard tempts to swallow me I can look back and remember that God answered my prayers and gave me a reprieve and He will do it again. Slowly day by day I believe God is mending our broken hearts….
I trust you Lord.