Yesterday was a bad day. I have had a string of them lately. A lot of stress at work, which I never want to complain about because I know how fortunate we are to be managing a successful business together…but it is hard, and this particular season has been a lot. I haven’t been very patient or kind with my husband, more critical than encouraging. I don’t like this part of my nature, but it is where I have been.
Graduation is approaching, most of which I am ready for and truly excited about, but the reality that Gabe won’t be in our home full time in the coming months is a hard one. It is good, he is more than ready, we are incredibly proud of him, and I will also miss his presence immensely.
And I have 2 almost teenagers, one who pretty consistently bemoans school and who is more like me than I would like to admit, and we clash and frustrate one another. We also are getting a lot of practice at forgiveness and grace but some days I don’t know if I will survive because we technically haven’t officially even started puberty yet. Oh and both said pre-teens will likely be getting braces in the next 2 months so there is that.
Yesterday I voxed 2 of my best friends and started the message with…”I just need to scream this out because I am on the verge of a freaking mental breakdown and if I don’t I might start breaking things.” And then I vented and screamed and cried a little and cursed and then I calmed down. At the end I made some comment about realizing that it was Holy Week and I hadn’t spent much time thinking about Jesus or His sacrifice. My heart hasn’t been preparing for Easter.
My friends were kind and gracious with me, reminding me that even this season might be triggering in ways I am not fully aware of because Isaac is gone. His loss never far from my mind.
We are all walking around carrying burdens and hardships, hurts and stresses. Gindi said last week we carry and carry, stuff and struggle and do our best to manage it all and then someone asks you to “pass the ketchup” and we explode. What is something simple that has been the tipping point for you lately? I voxed yesterday that I just couldn’t do it anymore. It all felt like too much.
And even in those moments of too much, of my self-absorption of my first world problems it is important that I step back and remember the incredible sacrifice Jesus made on my behalf. I was struck by this picture, the words the author wrote below…Jesus knew Judas would betray him, and yet he ate with him, washed his feet. He didn’t deserve it, but that is how God loves.
I am no different. I am selfish and self-centered, I demand things go MY way and I don’t stop to ask God for guidance first. I want the benefits of God but am I willing to look at the condition of my own heart in response? And even in these moments of sinfulness, He invites us to the table. What a gift.
My circumstances haven’t changed this morning…but maybe my perspective has a little.
(These words below were shared along with the graphic above by a friend on FB – original author unknown)
Think about this for a second. Jesus knew.
He goes into that room with His disciples. He knows He is going to be betrayed. He knows it is Judas who will turn against him. He knows that He has been sold out for a handful of silver. Stabbed in the back by one He has poured His life into.
Yet, in that room, hours before the death of Jesus, Judas ate too. Jesus fed Judas too. Jesus prayed for Judas too. Jesus washed Judas’ feet too. I struggle to fathom that kind of love. A love that would feed the mouth that deceived you. A love that would wash the treasonous feet of the traitor. A love that could forgive even the vilest of betrayals.
I honestly struggle to comprehend it. And then, suddenly, I realize that I’m Judas. And in that moment, I’m so thankful & altogether overwhelmed that Judas ate too.