I guess this is what I am doing to process. I am going to be real here and share the good, bad and ugly. I have always processed through writing and so I am going to keep doing that now.

We are fighting to praise God through this and will continue to do so. We are determined that His glory will be seen. If this experience shines light to even one person, then our heartbreak has purpose. I am a person that needs to be able to someday see beauty from ashes.

But there are moments of deep regret that are creeping in. Guilt for ways we failed. Things we could have done differently. I know that these come as lies to hurt us, but in the dark hours of the night they are suffocating. Is this our fault?

We know the true answer to that question. I don’t need anyone to reply and tell us no, but it is a step in our grieving process and probably one of the most painful. This is the reality of suicide, what the loved ones left behind have to grapple with, and it is awful.

We loved Isaac so much and couldn’t save him. As parents, it felt like our one responsibility….

So where do we go from here? We crawl and inch forward. We breathe in God’s abundant grace and beg Him to carry us in this most unbearable time. We thank Him for each moment and memory we had and we look for ways to be an encouragement to others. Shine God’s light, and His truth because His light overcomes the darkness.

“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven” Matthew 5:14-16