I can’t believe it is has been three months. So much changed in our family that day that two officers came to our door to tell us the news. In a moment everything was different and in many ways I feel like we still live in a semi-protective fog, where the full weight of Isaac’s death isn’t crushing us at all times. It is a blessing that God protects us in this way.

It feels like it has been three months in the past week though doesn’t it? The Covid 19 pandemic news has taken over everything and my heart has become increasingly anxious. I shared with a close friend that I wasn’t sure if it was the grief that was causing this increased panic, but I felt overwhelmed. I can’t lose another person I love.

I have spent a lot of time in the last 91 days reading books on grief and faith. Many of them speak to the deep need of my heart right now to find peace amidst the turmoil. But they also recognize our cries for the unfairness of this all. This balance between grieving what has been lost and yet still having hope that God is good and will redeem even this.

It has been a true season of lament.

I wrote these words to a friend on FB this past week that seem to capture what lament has looked like for me. “This continues to be a true season of lament for me. Of crying out to God in the hurt/pain/worry/fear and yet also remembering that He IS faithful in spite of my circumstances. It is hard yes, there is hurt yes, but He continues to be a good God.”

In the book Dark Clouds Deep Mercy, Mark Vroegop says this about the practice of lament. “For now, I simply want you to see that lament is humbly turning to God through the pain. It takes faith to lay our painful questions before the Lord. Anyone can cry, but it takes faith to turn to God in lament.”

And then later he shares this…

“Lament helps us practice active patience. Trust looks like talking to God, sharing our complaints, seeking God’s help, and then recommitting ourselves to believe in who God is and what He has done – even as the trial continues. Lament is how we endure. It is how we trust. It is how we wait.”

This so resonated with me.

I think because I recognize that I can’t just get stuck in the first part…the questioning and the anger of the unfairness of this life, my anxiety over the unknown. Yes it is ok that I am experiencing those things, that is normal. BUT then I need to move forward in recommitting myself to what I have believed, what I do believe about God.

Oftentimes for me it helps most if I spend some time remembering ALL that He has done in my life thus far. The list is long and His redemption knows NO bounds. If He has been faithful time and time again, why would this be any different?

But I am prone to forgetfulness and my heart wanders from the truth. So each morning I spend a little time writing down a few Bible verses that remind me who God is, a truth about His character. And then I write out a prayer, which usually includes my confession that I am struggling {again} and I just need Him to be present.

Three months into this new normal and it still hurts. We had to lay down several things and recognize that on this side of heaven we will never have answers. That has been hard. But we continue to pray each day that God would use this, somehow.

We can’t see how He will, but for HIS glory, we trust that it will come to pass.

In Nancy Guthrie’s book Holding on to Hope she says this “How do you display the glory of God? You reflect His character. Instead of demanding an answer, you decide to trust him, recognizing that your circumstances provide an unparalleled opportunity to glorify God just by your trust in His unseen purpose. Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness – that is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken”

Right now in these most uncertain times, I think that we can remember these things. It is ok to lament our situation. To cry out to God in frustration and fear and then also praise Him for who He is and what He will do through this current crisis. And it is good to trust that He will use this time too for His purpose and His glory.

I told God that I felt like we had suffered enough for one year…I didn’t need a pandemic to deal with as well. I gave over my worries of losing someone else I loved and asked Him to protect my family and I asked Him for peace. And every day I pray that He will use this time and do something good with it. Please Lord may we see the good.

Three months ago when we got the news I called my best friend and over and over on the phone I told her “I just want to see Jesus in all of this, I just want to see Jesus in all of this…”

He has been faithful to show Himself to me every day since and I am grateful. And so in this time as well it will continue to be my prayer….

I just want to see Jesus.